May the Coronavirus NOT be with you.
Here’s what I was supposed to be saying:
I notice a lot of people not coming out these days. Everybody is afraid of the CORONAVIRUS, COVID-19.
Nobody wants to get close to people, afraid they’re gonna get infected. Not me, because I’ve got a new tactic, and here’s how it works. I walk around fake coughing and sneezing, without covering my mouth. And It works great. People really scatter. Nobody wants to get close to me, and you see, that way they can’t cough on me.
Now my fake coughing strategy does have some limitations, especially around here in Chinatown. There are some pretty tough homeless dudes around here that don’t scare easy. When I was walking over here, I tried to clear some sidewalk space by going into a fake coughing fit, which worked well – scattered a handful of Japanese tourists, some local business people moved out of my way, but then some homeless dude popped up from his blanket on the sidewalk and fired back at me with a phlegm-filled sneeze-cough combination, capped by two loud gurgly farts. It stopped me in my tracks. I was faced off with this guy in the middle of the sidewalk, ten feet apart, kinda like a gunfight at the OK Corral. I was deciding my next move, but then dude let out another one of those loud, wet gurgly farts. At that point I knew I was out-gunned, so I stepped quickly onto the street. I gave a quick cough in his direction, but that was merely a face-saving gesture. We both knew he had won the day. The only good thing that came from that encounter was that I learned a valuable lesson. Don’t bring a weak cough to a gurgly fart fight. That’s right it was a gurgly fart fight. Why am I repeating this? Because I just like saying the phrase gurgly fart fight.
OK, moving on.
In other CORONAVIRUS news, I notice some prostitutes are requiring customers to use hand sanitizer on their penis, in addition to a condom. Conversely, some restaurant waiters are using penis sanitizer on their hands. Don’t ask me why. It’s a topsy-turvy world out there, people. You just have to be ready for it.
Here’s another example. I was in the 7-11 Store this morning getting a cup of coffee and the gal at the register slid my change to me over the counter and said, “Have a virus-free day.” I was a little surprised, but you know, I’m quick on my feet, so I hit her back with “And for you my dear, may the plague NOT be with you. I thought that was a pretty good comeback, but she just tightened the straps on her face mask and then moonwalked back to the hermetically sealed quarantine chamber behind the counter. It was kinda weird. I especially thought the moonwalking was a little over the top. But as I look back on it now, I think she had a little Michael Jackson thing going on, with the bedazzled mask and all.
But people, remember, we’re all in this together. It’s a worldwide pandemic. Different countries are struggling to cope in their own ways.
In Japan, here’s something I read about in the newspaper today, caught my eye. I don’t know if you’re familiar, but in Japan they have some vending machines that sell use panties. Kind of a fetish thing, I guess, that you might find in discrete places in Tokyo. That’s right, selling used panties in a vending machine. Well apparently, there was a bit of stir, when govt officials, in response to the CORONAVIRUS, started requiring that the panties be dipped in Purell prior to placement in the vending machines. Well I don’t know about you, but when I’m buying used panties from a vending machine, Purell is that last thing I want to be smelling. I think we can all agree on that. Anyway, everybody is just trying to be safe.
In Saudi Arabia, the government has taken the drastic step of closing down the holy cities of Mecca and Medina. This is a huge deal that could affect millions of devout Muslims hoping to make the sacred Haj pilgrimage later this year. In a related note, Saudi religious leaders are also encouraging would-be martyrs to wash their hands regularly when constructing explosive suicide vests. Yes, they are still promoting the mass slaughter of innocent civilians, but at least they are also promoting good virus-preventing hygiene. So, they’re not all bad, right?
OK folks, that’s it for me. I’m Waipahu Bob. Have a nice evening.
Waipahu Bob 